Title: Beyond the Archetype
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Pairing: Robin Scherbatsky/Barney Stinson
Summary: I ruled against the indefinite article.
Notes: Set after 6.06.
Robin hadn't really needed the sword, but she felt appropriately badass when she brandished it, sheathed, in front of the apron-wearing psycho. "Out."
The apron-wearing psycho pouted. "But Mommy isn't done playing yet."
"Okay, that's disgusting." Robin set the sword down on the dresser, then rolled her sleeves up again. "Put your pants on, or I will put them on for you."
Four minutes later, Robin was straddling the apron-wearing psycho's hips and yanking her too-skinny jeans over her too-bony thighs.
"Robin?" Barney stood in the doorway, clutching his robe closed with both hands.
"Yeah, Barney?" Finished with the jeans, Robin stood up, avoiding a kick and a half-hearted bite. She dropped the blouse onto the psycho and stepped sideways.
"This is the best early Christmas present ever," Barney pronounced. He raised one arm. "Chick fight five?"
Robin raised an eyebrow, and Barney hastily pulled his robe closed again. While she was distracted, the apron-wearing psycho tripped her, kicked her in the knee, and kneed Barney in the groin. (She also stole three of Barney's DVDs, but he never, ever told Robin which ones.)
"Barney?" Robin said, flexing her leg with a groan.
Barney moaned in pain from his corner of the bedroom floor.
Robin rolled onto her side. "There are many things about you that I hate," she told him.
"Okay," Barney whimpered. "But will you get me some ice?"
Awkwardly, Robin lurched to her feet. "You're buying me a knee brace."
"You can keep the sword," Barney countered, and she stepped over him with a nod.
For the offer of a bottle of Glenlivet 25 and a What Not to Wear marathon, Robin helped Barney limp to the sofa. Somehow, she'd forgotten the substance of his body; they collapsed onto the sofa together, his arm warm around her shoulder, her thigh trapped under his hips.
"Uh," Robin said.
Barney mewled and adjusted the bag of ice. Robin sighed and averted her gaze. She shifted, and his grip tightened. "The remote is right there," he offered. He smiled at her, a real smile, not a creepy one.
Robin sighed and reached for the remote. When she turned the TV on, it was set to the Playboy channel. She looked at Barney.
He wore the pick-up smile. "You know--"
"I will leave," Robin said. "And I will take away your ice."
"Channel 28," Barney said. "What will Clinton say next?"
Robin rolled her eyes, but she changed the channel. She stayed.
Robin woke sometime past midnight, Barney's breath ruffling low on her stomach. His thumb was hooked into her belt loop, and her thigh cradled his shoulder. She arched slowly, testing his wakefulness.
He murmured and pressed his lips below her navel. "Going to work?" he mumbled, and Robin touched his hair, considered pushing him off, sneaking away.
His fingers stroked once against her side, curling sleepily against her skin. "Stay," he murmured, his mouth warm against her, "here."
Robin closed her eyes. "I have a few hours," she whispered. "Go back to sleep."
"Good," he replied, and his hand relaxed again, his cheek rested against her belly.
She feathered her fingers down the back of his neck. She slept.
A/N: Title and summary adapted from Louise Glück's Unwritten Law.